APRIL 14.
Get a clue
Ever since the new year, I've been rediscovering who I am, what I'm capable of, what matters to me. And slowly, I'm getting to the bottom of this. It's an odd and above all confusing experience; I was so sure of myself at first. Of this individual person I thought I would be. Now, I really don't have a clue.
I used to let other people guide me more than I was able to admit - probably because I wasn't conscious of this fact at the time. I always took a sort of pride in feeling that I had control over my life and decisions when the truth is, that for the longest time I couldn't select books, movies or music without wondering what other people would have to say about my choices, my taste. Ironically, 'my choices' weren't mine anymore. 'My taste' wasn't mine anymore.
And consequently, I've also let other people - mostly my parents - influence me too much regarding decisions of a more serious nature. My life, my future, my wishes. Their approval meant more than my own happiness, it seemed. (And that is actually how they, closet materialists, looked at it too.) But that view changed for me when I started to lose some of that happiness. I was too caught up in pleasing everybody else that I forgot about myself.
I hate to be vague in this blog, but I'm not able to be that open for anyone to read. I will say, however, that being in the situation I am in now could also be looked at as a blessing in disguise. Not as what it has been for me - stressful insecurity. Because now I am 'forced' to 'get a clue', to change things around, and I feel I've been given an opportunity to look at what I want now. Starting over, sometimes, is good.
Though not to be neglected: people are social beings. We need other people around us. I can be my own person but I must not let other people down because of that. How far can I go in being myself? I think that as long as I'm happy while also being responsible, I think I can manage a balance between happiness while being selfless. So I know the answer, but I have to find that balance still. It takes some time. But I think I'll get it right.
Now for a less contemplative look into my life since the last time I posted:
For the first time in years I am able to keep my concentration high enough to read two books at once. This is important to me; I realize that I've regained the concentration I lost during my last year at Uni. Exhaustion from fulltime work, parttime jobs, 3 hours of travel every day, research, thesis and exams - it took a toll on me then. I feel I've won something back again.
I used to dabble in writing when I was younger, starting a few unfinished manuscripts and writing some poetry, short stories. It is starting to come back to me, the idea that maybe I could write again as I used to, and actually do something more with it. I'm working on a manuscript now (but I am taking my time), I'm going to see about actually doing a little more with my book review series and I'm also planning on writing (a critical piece) about my experiences as a foreign exchange student. Which is something I should have done years ago. I might submit this somewhere suitable, because it doesn't hurt for others to read it. (Either way I will publish it here on my website.)
Then, Wil and I have finally planned out our trip in summer, which is a load off both our shoulders; we like to be properly prepared when taking a long trip and now we feel that we are ready for it. We have so much to look forward to.
So why look back?
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APRIL 05.
Nostalgia
Life on the farm today: staring out the window, watching the rain. Re-reading the second in the Harry Potter series. Going to the toystore to buy Wil's nephew his birthday present.
I haven't set foot in a toystore for as long as I can remember. But it was fun, those 10 minutes. While Wil was pondering what would be suitable for his nephew, I drifted away to the children's books section. Titles such as "Jip en Janneke" (and others by Annie M.G. Schmidt), "The Babysitter's Club", "De Schippers van de Kameleon", "Vampier in de School" are still available, years later. This timeless childhood fun, right in front of my eyes. Memories ready to be bought in a second. I really had to resist buying a copy of one of the "Jip en Janneke" books. Just because.
On an entirely different matter, I love Ben & Jerry's. This brand of icecream is so expensive, but as they're supportive of all sorts of causes, I guess I'm okay with allowing myself a pint every now and then. I tried their Baked Alaska flavour last weekend; vanilla icecream with marshmallow swirls and icebear shaped white chocolate bits. I think it is now my third favourite flavour, after Cinnamon Buns & Cookiedough.
Some of you know I write book reviews for fun. This year I started a photoseries called "Reading & Reviewing" (R&R) where I take a selfportrait, while holding the book of choice - and I post the review in the photo description. You can view the photoset at flickr or check out the books section of the site for titles and links to reviews. I only have 9 reviews up, even though I'm already on my 16th read of the year. So when I'm home again (Tuesday) I'm starting a daily upload of an R&R photo - to hopefully catch up as soon as possible...! I love this project and want to continue it properly from now on.
I better get cracking on writing those reviews, then.
PS - I finally ordered a Moleskine again for writing purposes - reviews and book notes. I cannot wait to use it. I used to own one, for a journal, and never had one again since. They're so handy!
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